I'll be honest with you. I had my entire birth story typed in this little gray box. I wasn't ready to share it yet. The reason why I even started to write the story down was that it came to my attention that April is C-Section Awareness month. And as you may have guessed, our birth ended in a caesarean. I'm still in the process of coming to terms with this ending to our labor and delivery tale. Physically, I feel pretty much back to normal. Emotionally, it has taken a bigger toll than I ever anticipated.
I have had more conversations than I can count with friends and family about my feelings toward our birth story. Like you, I've grown tired of hearing how I should be grateful for our health. As if grieving over losing the opportunity for a life experience I've dreamed of for many years in any way negates my overwhelming gratitude for my little boy. Honestly, only one thought has brought me any real comfort or ability to move on.
"The way you deliver your baby has no bearing on how well you will parent them."
Our birth story was a 24 hour saga in a 330 day journey so far. There have been and will be so many more segments of 24 hours in which I will need to show up for my son that will be infinitely more important.
I can still think about the details of that day, plan for (hopefully) a future sibling's birth. I can allow myself to grieve or feel angry until I don't anymore, someday. But I can't let those few hours cast a dark cloud over the beautiful gift of motherhood that I have. I can't let those emotions overshadow the gratitude, happiness, laughter, and love that I feel each moment I get to spend with this little boy. And those big, happy emotions are helping me in my journey to becoming the mom he needs each day regardless of how he got here.