In this quote, Rachel is talking about wealth..but I had been thinking about the topic of this blog post for some time and the quote fit nonetheless.
I feel like I’ve shared this same sentiment before. I remember my son being a newborn and wishing the days away. I know some moms relish that time and there were moments that I’d give anything to have back. But for the most part I counted down hours until nap or bedtime or until I’d see another adult. The newborn haze was not my finest hour.
I dreamed of having a more independent child- more hours between feedings, able to communicate with gestures or words so that I wasn’t stressed out by the guessing game. I dreamed of him needing, wanting, or depending on anyone else but me.
Looking back now, I know that I was earning for ‘someday’. I knew in my heart at that time that I was wishing away a pretty fleeting moment in our lives. Anytime someone told me to ‘enjoy every moment’, I felt major pangs of guilt that reminded me of how much I wanted out of this time.
I’ll share with you that some (maybe even a lot) of the stress I felt came from other circumstances in our lives. My husband’s work sometimes included late evenings and those days really brought out my feelings of anxiety. I was also anxious because at 5 weeks postpartum I went to a job interview and was set to start when B was just 9 weeks old. I was so conflicted that our time together to bond was running out, that I also desperately needed time away, and that I didn’t have any idea if I had the power to juggle it all.
This probably doesn’t sound completely foreign to you.
I’ve spoken to so many moms who understand this struggle all too well. But when I’m honest and I look back at this time, I realize that an enormous and vital piece was missing from my ever-packed routine.
During this time I spent 0 time on me. Whether that was journaling and letting my feelings out, moving my body and getting that endorphin rush, or practicing any type of meditation or mindfulness, I didn’t allow myself any time whatsoever to check in with myself.
All of my eggs were in the ‘someday’ basket.
Someday I would feel like me again. Someday I’d have my relationship back with my husband. Someday I’d wear a shirt that wasn’t covered in puke and breast milk.
It’s true. Some of that did have to wait for a mythical day in the future. My physical body wasn’t healed yet so that was a true ‘someday’ hope. Nursing on demand meant that, yeah, my shirt would probably be stained for the foreseeable future.
But my feelings did not have wait until someday. It honestly wasn’t until I started this blog - which initially served as a journal just for me - that I started to feel like I could breathe. The simple act of pouring myself into something that was just for me was bringing me life again. Nothing about my circumstances had changed. I still have a super demanding full-time job, a 9 month old, a husband, and a house to take care of.
I know now that this is a nonnegotiable that has to be built into several days a week. When I ‘can’t’ make it work, I feel the absence of my me time like something is physically missing.
So I’m hear to tell you- find that outlet whatever it is for you and stop wishing for ‘someday’.